Living with perfectionism & people-pleasing:
On the outside, you likely look capable, dependable, and highly accomplished. You are the one who steps up, holds everything together, and rarely lets anyone down. But on the inside, you may be running on empty—driven by a quiet fear of failing, disappointing others, or falling short of relentless standards.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing are rarely about striving for excellence or being naturally "nice." They are deeply learned protective strategies shaped by our nervous system, past experiences, and cultural pressures that tell women their worth is tied to their output, compliance, and ability to care for everyone else first. At their core, perfectionism and people-pleasing are self-protective nervous system responses—smart, adaptive ways your body learned to guard against shame, failure, and the fear of losing connection.
You might notice:
- Chronic Over-Functioning & Burnout: Taking on emotional labour or tasks that aren't yours, struggling to delegate, and feeling resentful yet unable to stop.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Saying "yes" when you desperately want to say "no," followed by guilt, anxiety, or panic if you think you’ve disappointed someone.
- A Harsh Inner Critic: Measuring your self-worth by how much you accomplish or how well you perform, leaving little room for mistakes, rest, or self-compassion.
- Procrastination & Overthinking: Feeling paralyzed by the pressure to do things "perfectly," leading to re-reading emails multiple times or delaying starting projects.
- A Disconnect from Your Own Needs: Spending so much energy anticipating what others need that you feel completely disconnected from your own desires, boundaries, and identity.
How I can help
My approach to therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing is warm, collaborative, and empowering. Together, we work to dismantle the belief that your worth is something you have to constantly earn or prove.
In our sessions, we might:
- Soften the Inner Critic: Blend self-compassion practices with practical cognitive strategies to step back from harsh self-judgment, so your inner critic no longer holds power over your choices.
- Set Clear, Kind Boundaries: Learn actionable ways to say no, express your true needs, and navigate the discomfort or guilt that arises when you put yourself first.
- Understand Over-Functioning Loops: Explore how the urge to fix, carry, or over-deliver developed as a protective survival strategy, while examining the costs and benefits of continuing these loops.
- Soothe Boundary Anxiety: Work with your nervous system to build tolerance for disappointing others or sitting with uncertainty without rushing to fix it.
- Reconnect with Your Authentic Self: Shift from asking "What does everyone else expect of me?" to discovering what brings you real ease, joy, and fulfillment.
I often draw from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Polyvagal theory, self-compassion principles, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills, and trauma-informed, feminist frameworks when working with perfectionism and people-pleasing.
