Making Sense of Your Shame Experience
Shame is that deeply painful emotion that can make us feel unworthy, defective, or “not enough.” Unlike guilt, which is tied to something we’ve done, shame often feels like it is about who we are. It can show up as an inner voice that criticizes, compares, or insists that we must hide parts of ourselves to be acceptable. It is that crippling belief that "I am a mistake" rather than "I made a mistake."
You might notice that shame lies beneath patterns like perfectionism or anxiety. The drive to achieve, perform, or appear “together” can sometimes be an attempt to protect against the fear of being exposed, rejected, or judged. Shame can also fuel cycles of worry and self-doubt, leaving you feeling trapped in your own expectations.
Shame responses are often rooted in earlier experiences. Developmental trauma, neglect, or critical family environments can teach us—often unconsciously—that our needs, feelings, or authentic selves are not welcome. Over time, these messages become internalized, shaping how we relate to ourselves and others. Even in adulthood, life circumstances such as relationship struggles, workplace pressures, or moments of failure can trigger patterned shame responses that feel familiar and overwhelming.
While shame is universal, it doesn’t have to define how you live.
How I can help
In psychotherapy sessions, we may work to recognize shame for what it is: a protective response that developed under challenging circumstances. We may also explore shame as a patterned response — something you've learned through past experiences — not as a reflection of your worth.
In our sessions, we might also:
- Notice shame without becoming trapped in it
- Explore shame "cues" and how it shows up in your body and nervous system
- Help you find ways to feel safer, calmer, and more connected in the midst of a shame spiral
- Find ways to meet shame with compassion, empathy, and connection
- Identify patterned reactions that intensify shame, like secrecy, judgment, and isolation
- Build resilience to shame so that when it arises, it no longer defines you or limits your ability to live fully
I often draw from polyvagal theory, acceptance and commitment therapy and shame resiliency models when working with shame.
